Seroxat/Paxil Summer

Day 73

2005-07-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

I just went into town to the supermarket today; I'm going through a juicing fad... again!

It was a completely stress free affair, although my mum tagged along 8-) don't people realise that these are tests for me, best done alone?

Day 72

2005-07-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

I went to my nieces school sports day today which was fun! I wouldn't have normally gone to anything like this, but the new confident Adam decided it was a must! The best bit for me was when my mum cheated in the parent's egg and spoon race and fell flat on her face, a lesson in karma for the children!

I didn't however run in the "father's" race, or perhaps better titled "males present" race. I was kind of glad I didn't when they started chucking cups of water over each other, but it was yet again a flashback to the old Adam who shys away from any public attention.

Day 71

2005-07-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've been disappointed with myself today.

I had the opportunity to go and see some relatives with my parents but I opted to stay at home and I think the reason was that I felt too nervous to go. I can't say with complete certainty that that was the real reason as I did feel tired after yesterday and I wanted to get some study done at long last.

Either way I had a really nice day home alone; could it be that I just prefer my own company?

Day 70

2005-07-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

Thankfully my sister said that my niece couldn't go to the midnight launch of the new Harry Potter book; I doubt I could have managed it last night after spending the whole day out! She did however say she could go along in the day, so off me and my niece went.

It was disappointing, not because I felt anxious or anything, just the party they were holding was disappointing so my niece didn't have a great time. A couple of balloons and a face painter, but then you get what you pay for, I guess.

After that I did first. I went to a supermarket by myself, OK not technically by myself as I had my niece with me, but she's 4, I was as good as by myself!

On days like this I really notice how irrational my behaviour has been in the past.

Day 69

2005-07-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

A real breakthrough today!

A mate asked me if I wanted to go to Bicester for the day; not quite sure why anyone would want to go to Bicester, but having never been there I agreed, as you do. Anyway we had a really good day; apparently he was looking for clothes at some cheapo outlet place, but there was nothing so we spent most of the boiling day sat in a pub garden; a first for me! I was completely unaware of people around me for about 98% of the day and the 2% weren't all that bad experiences.

I felt so much like how I wanted to feel today, it's brilliant!

Day 68

2005-07-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

Another day and still not much to tell I'm afraid. I've done nothing today, although again, I've spent time with my family. The relations have moved on now so hopefully I can get my head down and get some work done!

Day 67

2005-07-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

I've just sat around talking with my family today, not sure if that is an improvement or not! Only kidding, it's a definate improvement; I've notice I'm spending much more time with my folks now, instead of shutting myself away with my head buried in a book; although of course this means my studies have ground to a halt. I'm not sure whether it is better to be a well-educated recluse or an uneducated socialable person? Obviously a combination would be best!

Day 66

2005-07-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

Urgh I feel like crap today! I don't know where I've picked it up but I've got a cold that is making me feel really shitty. On a better note, I did meet the relations today and felt fairly comfortable with it, after the first couple of minutes, so that's cool!

Day 65

2005-07-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

I've got a feeling of déjà vu! I started off badly today and didn't get up to go for a run, but I did then head off, by myself, into town and had a brief look around. I did feel slightly uncomfortable, but I think that was more down to the heat than social issues; it was boiling today!

We've got a few relations over from Australia staying with us this week too, people I've never met before so I'm feeling extremely nervous for some reason.

I've still not completed any study!

Day 64

2005-07-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had a quiet day today; not much to tell. I feel determined to start my study timetable tomorrow, but then I've said that every Sunday for the past month!

Day 63

2005-07-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'd promised a few weeks ago to take my niece to some Harry Potter activity morning at a bookshop which was on today. True to my word, I went along and it was a good experience! I felt very confident whilst there and got involved helping my niece out with the things she was making and chatting to the other parents. My niece was another story, she was mute most of the time we were there! My sister says it's because she doesn't like being places where there are only boys, which was the case on Saturday; I just hope it's that; although I was very confident and chatty when I was a kid, I can recognise her behaviour from when I got older.

So anyway, I had a really good day, doing something that I would never have done if it wasn't for Seroxat!

Day 62

2005-07-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

I took my niece into town today on the bus and it wasn't at all bad! We just went for a quick look around the shops, nothing major, but it was busy as usual and I felt great!

The feeling that I get out now is nothing like it used to. I don't even really think about the people around me unless I think "I'd normally feel uncomfortable", and then the feelings come flooding back, but with the difference that I can control them now!

Day 61

2005-07-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

It was exam day at college today and I actually felt really good about going. The walk there wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was in the past; well apart from some strange guy who started talking to me "My name is Norman because my dad is dead"...

I felt very confident at college, but I have been feeling like that recently so that's nothing new; I'm just glad the walk wasn't as bad as it normally is.

It will be interesting come September because I'll be in a new class, with new people and a new tutor; I wonder how I'll feel then?

Day 60

2005-07-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

60 days ago I started out on a journey which was initially only planned to last this long. With the extension I got from my doctor I now have another 60 days to go so this is the new half way point. How do I feel?

This week has been hopeless, well not completely, but the run on Monday morning wasn't completely successful, I mean, I went out so early that I thought nobody would be about and I was fine with that, but as soon as somebody else appeared I went back to my normal self and headed home.

I do think however that I'm not giving myself or Seroxat as much credit as we're due. I have managed to do some things which I never thought possible. I just need to have some patience and see how things work out in the end; it's a long, long road.

Day 59

2005-07-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

After the disappointments of yesterday I just ended up sitting around the house doing very little all day; a completely disappointing day.

Day 58

2005-07-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

The start of a new week and I started out so well. I got up around 6, walked the dog to the park and I ran a little bit; only a little for two reasons. Firstly I've not done any exercise for years so it was all I could manage and secondly because some guy turned up walking his dog and I felt like a bit of a weirdo running around; it's a shame Seroxat hasn't helped with this over-awareness I have of other people.

So anyway, I completed my first task of the day well and was home and ready to start the next one, which was going to study in the library. Unfortunately, as per usual, my backlegs went and I ended up staying at home all day. Urgh! What is it that is stopping me going out?

Day 57

2005-07-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've spent the vast part of today making plans for next week, which at long last is going to include studying in the library. I've really got to as I'm getting absolutely nothing done at home and I'm about 2 months behind now :o/

So it all starts tomorrow, I'm getting the bus at 08:32 and will be in the library by 9, knuckling down to some serious work! Alright, I know I've said I was going to do this before and never did, but I feel certain I am going to go tomorrow, I've got all my clothes ready and everything!

I'm also going to go for a quick run in the morning too, which I'm strangely looking forward to; it will be nice to have that feeling you get after working out - satisfaction.

Day 56

2005-07-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

Another lazy day I'm afraid. I've still not got around to doing any study at all which is starting to worry me. OK, I was lazy when it came to doing work before Seroxat, but I used to force myself to sit down and do it then, now I'm very good at putting it out of my mind without feeling guilty, which is nice, but not very helpful!

Day 55

2005-07-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today started off very well and has slowed down to virtually nothing.

I had an unplanned visit to the shop this morning to top up my mobile and get a stamp and then I had a planned visit to the Post Office to pay a couple of bills. All went really well, I didn't feel slightly anxious at any point and was obviously still feeling good after being out all yesterday afternoon.

Since the successful morning I've done very little and just dossed about the house, but then again, I didn't really have anywhere to go, no excuse, but it's mine!

Day 54

2005-06-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

The big day has come and gone and on the whole it has been very successful.

I took my niece along as planned and the first thing we did was take a bus to town. That wasn't especially dramatic, although it was much more costly than the last time I took a bus; £1 for about 5 minutes!

Following that we went to the main library where I found one book that I was after but couldn't find another, and rather than ask we just left. So not a complete success.

We then went to a bookshop to find out about some Harry Potter things they're putting on that I've been asked to take my niece to. That just involved looking at a sign in the window, but we did go inside so I could order her a copy of the latest book, which involved speaking to a shop assistant and that wasn't too bad.

We then went to Boots so I could pick up a new toothbrush and again I spoke with a shop assistant, not at great length, I just said I didn't need a bag as I already had one when she went to offer me one, which is an improvement because I articulated myself, something I wouldn't have normally done.

Following that we went to a local tourist trap and climbed a really tall tower which I pretended to my niece was part of Hogwarts; it's ok to lie to 4 year olds if you are encouraging their imagination ;o) That did involve talking to a tourist guide, rather briefly again, but successfully and completely comfortably.

We then went to a sports shop so I could get a new bag, which involved some conversation with an overly-polite shop assistant; but yet again, a complete success.

We took the bus home, involving a brief chat to the drive to ascertain if we would actually get home and then we went to our local library to visit my sister and pick up another book.

When we got home I had a voicemail from one of my debt collectors asking me to call them. This would usually result in a letter being wrote to them, but no, I just picked up the phone and called them and to my surprise the guy didn't have a clue why I was calling them and put it down to some automatic dialer that they have no control over and apologised; I know most people would have been angry at them wasting their time, but I was delighted, just because I'd actually called them back!

Day 53

2005-06-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

Yet again I've done very little today. I've given my studies some thought but haven't managed to pick up a book yet.

I've been thinking more about tomorrow too and planning what I need to do, what I need to get, etc. It's not a very detailed plan, not like usual; I've noticed my over-planning subside since I started taking Seroxat. I reckon the over-planning was to try and make myself feel more secure about going out, like I could plan every detail and know exactly what was going to happen. Now all I'm doing is making a quite list of places I want to go, not to make me feel more secure, but to make sure I don't forget!

Day 52

2005-06-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's been an uneventful day today. I've been feeling a bit strange actually, I'm not sure why and I can't really describe it, I just feel quite distant from reality.

I've made a decision to go out on Thursday, although I've also made a decision to take my niece. It's partly down to the fact that I still feel uncomfortable about going out and I'm hoping that if I do take her with me and I can see that it's really not a big issue, then when I want to go out by myself, I'll feel much more comfortable to do so because I'll know what to expect.

Day 51

2005-06-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

"...unaccustomed to crowds, and as we have said, he had been shunning all intercourse with his fellow-creatures, especially of late. At the present moment, however, he felt suddenly drawn to them. A kind of revolution seemed to come over him, and the social instinct reasserted its rights. Our hero, after abandoning himself for a whole month to the unhealthy fancies engendered by solitude, was completely wearied of his isolation, and longed to enjoy human society, if but for a moment." Crime and Punishment, Dostoyevsky

Sounds familiar! Yet again I've put off my trip out and hung around the house doing very little other than wonder what I could be getting on with. In the end, I chose nothing.

I think that I'll just say that I'll go to the library to study by Friday; this method worked well when I had my telephone calls to make.

Day 50

2005-06-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a lot more positive today and have decided that I am going to go and study in the library tomorrow for CERTAIN and I'm going to take the bus!

In fact, next week I'm going to try out some other new stuff too, like making calls that can be put off and just trying to spend as much time out of the house as possible. It's summer and I'm staying inside in a room so cold it's almost like the freezer department at a supermarket! Not that I'm complaining about that, air conditioner must be the best invention ever! But it wouldn't hurt me to get outside and actually enjoy the summer like most other people do.

Day 49

2005-06-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

Day 50 tomorrow, approaching the original 60 day trial finish and what have I achieved?

Ignore me, I've got a bit of a downer on today, I know I've actually achieved a hell of a lot since I started out on this journey 49 days ago. I'm very surprised I've kept up writing this, I'm usually crap when it comes to writing diaries!

So what have I achieved? Well I can now use the telephone when I need to, a major plus, although I don't think I'm up to saying I can use the telephone, period, I still feel like I would put off unnecessary calls. On top of that, I can go out without feeling eyes burning into me, in fact I don't even notice anybody whilst I'm out, in fact I don't really notice I'm out most of the time! I won't deny that I wish I felt slightly differently, that I felt more confident, that I don't put things off and that I felt a lot more motivated, but I reckon it's time I made these changes myself, they're only little steps from the point I've arrived at.

Day 48

2005-06-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've felt much more positive today, yet I've still done nothing and I've not even lifted one of my textbooks for weeks and weeks now. I've noticed that since taking Seroxat I find it extremely difficult to get motivated to study, which is one reason why I really need to get my backside down to the library where I have no distractions.

I've started making plans for two rather large social outings today. My niece, who has been gatecrashing my time on an alarming scale over the past couple of weeks has asked if I'll take her to some Harry Potter (her current obsession) launch thing at a bookshop. They're having somekind of themed days over the next couple of Saturdays and then on the 16th they're having a fancy dress party at midnight, which seems bizarre to be inviting children to a party that runs from midnight to 2am. I've not decided which one I'll escort her to, but I will take her to one.

The second event she wants me to take her to is a fun run, which on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not bothered and 10 being completely freaked out, comes in at about a 10! I don't supposed I'd bother that much about just taking her, but they have to have an adult run with them and so I've got this image in my head of having to run with all these people on either side of me, i.e. the spectators, all looking at me, which is a very scary thought! Still, judging on my fitness levels I'll have probably collapsed after the first minute and so won't have to worry about that!

Day 47

2005-06-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

A lazy, non-social day today, but I've had a very social week so far so I don't feel too guilty.

I did however have the opportunity to go and do my bus and library plan today and I never did it. I'm not sure what my reasons are for putting it off; laziness or fear. When I think about going the thought that comes into my mind is "I can't be bothered", but is that masking "I'm too scared".

I read something a few years ago which said that sometimes people put things off because they are scared of what changes doing things will cause. I reckon this is true for myself as I do tend to put things off which could cause changes and yet do things which will retain the status quo. For example, I used to put off calling my creditors because I was worried that changes would include being taken to court, ok, I could have been taken anyway, but I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't called them. Whereas going to the park with my niece, well that brings no changes.

So if I analyse going to the library in that way I could say that by studying hard I might achieve good results which might make me apply to go to university which would bring too many changes to list here. It probably sounds odd that I'd not want to do something that I want to do and that's the frustrating part of my problem.

Day 46

2005-06-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

Again no plans for today so I've done nothing! Not actually true as I have faced several social situations today and passed each without an ounce of anxiety!

The first was taking my niece to the park. It was quite full, with the weather being nice (I can say the hot weather is nice now as I talked my dad into getting me an air conditioner which is keeping my room at a very respectable 16oC!), and yet whereas I would have normally felt uncomfortable and shifted around with her, waiting awkwardly for her to finish playing, I didn't. She wanted me to chase her, so we ran around, she wanted me to pretend to be a troll under a play bridge, so I did, although rather reluctantly; it doesn't take a social-phobe to want to avoid making a tit of himself! I even spoke to some of the other parents and taught a girl my niece was playing with how to slide down the fireman's pole as her mum wasn't quite able to get up the ladder.

Following the park, I arrived home to find a letter from Barclaycard, or rather a statement which said that I needed to pay £350 as agreed. Having not agreed anything of the sort, I would have normally wrote to them or just paid what we had agreed in the hope that it was a typo. But no, the now confident Adam picked up the phone and sorted out the problem there-and-then, much to my surprise! I didn't feel anxious before calling, but when I was on hold waiting for someone to answer I did feel a slight, tiny little butterfly in my stomach, but nothing major and it certainly didn't stop me sorting out the issue.

100%, a perfect day.

Day 45

2005-06-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'll use not actually planning anything for today as the excuse for the fact that I haven't done anything today!

I was exposed to one social situation today. I went with my mum to the doctors so I could sit with my niece whilst she saw him. Again, it was very similar to yesterday in the sense that I didn't really notice that it was a social situation until I thought about it afterwards and I certainly didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward whilst I was there which is really good!

On another good note my mum's health problems have finally been solved. He thought she'd got SVT, some heart problem, and so she's been taking beta blockers for ages but has gradually got worse and worse so he referred her to a cardiologist who said it was nothing to do with her heart and so he referred her to a rheumatologist and then he suddenly realised that he hadn't tested her thyroid, which it turns out, was causing all her problems. Finally sorted, but it doesn't really inspire confidence in our GP!

Day 44

2005-06-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

I remember my English teacher telling me something about the best laid plans...

I didn't go out and experience public transport today for two reasons. Firstly I didn't get to sleep until 2am because it was so hot in my room and secondly because my sister asked if I wanted to go out with her and my mum to look for some stuff for my niece.

Now although I didn't do what I planned, I was subjected to quite a few social situations and I didn't even notice that I'd been in them until I got home and sat down to write this. It's almost as if they don't bother me enough anymore for me to even notice them.

Prior to Seroxat I would have felt very anxious for a couple of hours before going out and whilst I was out I'd have been very conscious of everybody around me; that was not the case today. I just got ready, went and didn't notice anybody or feel anxious in the slightest!

Seroxat really is the best!

Day 43

2005-06-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Afternoon!

Well it's another really, really hot day and yet again I've done nothing. I've started to get the yawns again which I've not had since the first week of taking Seroxat. I'm not complaining though because they make me feel really relaxed and sleepy which is quite a nice feeling but hasn't really aided my productivity!

Tomorrow is the big day then; lots of bus journeys and some studying, at long last. I reckon that being in the library will definately help with my lack of brain power at the moment. I always used to do loads more work in school than I could at home; I used to think it was something in the air but now I'm convinced it was the lack of television!

I found an interesting article the other day on the BBC News site about how scientists believe a placebo can relieve anxiety. I'm not quite sure how they'd go about marketing something like that because surely they'd have to lie and pretend that it was something more than a sugar pill otherwise it wouldn't work? Makes you wonder whether some drugs that they sell now are anything more than a sugar pill...

[ Article on BBC News ]

Day 42

2005-06-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

It suddenly dawned on me today that I've not done any study for weeks! That didn't make me do any though! It's far too hot to do anything other than moan about the lack of a breeze, read and watch the athletics. So that's been my day!

Tomorrow I'm going to plan what work I want to complete next week; planning again!

Day 41

2005-06-17T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well unfortunately my plans fell through for today although not because of anything within my control. My niece has been off school all week with a cold and so has been around our house whilst my sister is at work and since my mum isn't very well at the moment I thought it would be better to keep my niece occupied and so spent most of the day in a deep conversation with her about how she wants her hair "curly-wurly" 8-)

I did however venture outside, taking her to the library where her mum works so she could take her home and I also answered the phone without knowing 100% who was calling, I had an idea though, so it's not a complete first!

Next week she'll be back at school so I can definately try out some new things, for one I want to try the bus out. I do tend to walk an enormous amount which is actually very good, but it's also isolated and if I was doing it because I wanted to be more healthy then I wouldn't be concerned, but I know I'm doing it to avoid interacting with other people which is something that I want to stop.

So the big plan... on Monday I'm going to get up early, ok and I'll be honest, this is to avoid people, so it's not ideal, but it's a start! And I'm going to take the dog to the park and run around for a bit. Right, I know, but the dog is an excuse for looking like some crazy person who collapses after 2 minutes for lack of physical exercise! Later I'm going to take my first bus journey in god knows how long into town and I'm going to study at the library for a couple of hours. Then I'm going to take the bus back home for lunch (eating out is a problem area, but this way I get to use the bus again, so it does balance out the avoidance!) and then I'll take the bus back into town and take the tube into the City where I'm not sure what I'm going to do, just walk around aimlessly for a bit; it's exposure I'm after not purpose! After that it will be the train back to town, the bus home, dinner and then the bus back into town, go to the library for another couple of hours before getting the bus home and saying "WHY was I worried about that!?".

That actually demonstrates another one of my problems which is starting to go without me noticing it; being over prepared. I'm plan everything to the finest detail which I've found in the past has helped my anxiety as I don't have to stand around going "I'm sure I've forgotten something!!", but now things are changing slightly, like I don't always remember to take my mobile with me when I go out, which before would have been unthought of; it's always been like a security blanket that I can fiddle with whilst I'm walking and it's an easy way to overt my eyes from the scene ahead when I'm feeling particularly uncomfortable.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm hot! I do hate summer, one day of heat is more than enough for me! So there's a plan, if it's hot on Monday, I can spend my time in the City, hanging around in air conditioned shops!

Day 40

2005-06-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

At last this Seroxat Summer is actually feeling like summer, it's boiling!

I've been to college today and it was a HUGE success! Firstly the walk; it wasn't no where near as bad as it usually is, although I did still feel slightly uncomfortable at some points but on the whole it was a vast improvement. At college itself I felt very comfortable and completely like the kind of person I really am, not the shy, quiet, awkward person I tend to become.

Anyway not much else to say other than I'm going to bed very happy!

Day 39

2005-06-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

I've done bugger all again today. My cold is on its way out though so I'm going to turn this week around, starting tomorrow!

I've got college tomorrow evening and I'm determined that I'm going to be super-confident; not just at college, because I have been quite confident there recently, but on the walk to college. I've not been for a couple of weeks because of my friend being ill and half-term, and in the mean time I've had the developments with calling my creditors and going to the Post Office and stuff so I'm not quite the same person as I was when I last went.

Friday, I'm planning on trying out a timetable I've planned which will involve studying in the library and also doing some exercise in the morning in the form of a run, so that will be an interesting experiment to see if I actually go through with it! Of course I will, I'm super-confident Adam now you know!

Day 38

2005-06-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yet another quiet day. I've not gone shopping, think that was the plan for today, I did go and pay a bill, although my did niece tagged along.

I've noticed something about my approach to leaving the house or making telephone calls. Although I still get a slight twinge of what feels like anxiety prior to doing it, I don't hit a wall like I used to, which prevented me from actually doing the thing.

I reckon that where I am now is approaching normality. I mean, I'm sure most people would get slightly nervous before calling a debt collector!

My cold seems to be departing now which will hopefully allow me to get back onto my plan for the week. At the very least I want to go to college, make a phone call and study in the library before the end of the week.

Day 37

2005-06-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's quite early in the day to be making an entry but I doubt I'm going to do much that would warrant mentioning later. I feel manky today because of this cold so have had to put off going to the Post Office; I will do that tomorrow though if I've stopped shivering. I have done one task today though.

I had a call on my mobile which I didn't answer, force of habit, but it was withheld too which never makes me particularly keen to answer it. I got a voicemail from some broad at Barclaycard so instead of writing a letter, my usual way, I actually called her back and I didn't feel too nervous or need to force myself into doing it, it felt like the natural thing to do.

So that's made me feel a lot happier about this boring day of tomato soup and paracetamol!

Day 36

2005-06-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't got much to say today. It's been an uneventful day on account of this horrible cold I've got. I have just been thinking a bit more about how I'm going to challenge myself next week and have put together a list so that I can tick off the tasks as I do them.

Monday	Pay bill at the Post Office
Tuesday	Go shopping
Wednesday	Study in the library for 2 hours
Thursday	Go to college
Friday	Go running
Saturday
Sunday

As you can see, I've decided to introduce some exercise too, something which has been lacking and something which apparently has a good effect on your mental health. My lack of exercise has worried me a bit, not because I'm unhealthy or overweight or anything, but I've been inactive for awhile now because of my anxiety which certainly can't be good.

All of the tasks will be challenging. Although I've been to the Post Office and I've been to college recently, at this stage, everything is still a challenge, so it's not all easy.

Day 35

2005-06-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

Today has been a bit of an anticlimax compared to yesterday. I've picked up a cold too which is making me feel even more wobbly than normal so I've not done much today. I've realised too that I've not been having those super-active days anymore where I got loads of study done, in fact I've done very little study at all over the past two weeks, I'm not quite sure what I have done but it's not a lot!

I spoke to a mate earlier who wanted me to go to the cinema tomorrow. I said I can't, and I don't think it was entirely because of having to go out, I think it was mainly down to the fact I'm watching my pennies at the moment; even more so with the large payments I've got to make to Barclaycard now. He wanted me to go to Birmingham which would have cost me £30 and that's almost an entire months repayment. I do feel slightly guilty though that some of my reasons were slightly avoidant.

I've been thinking briefly about what I'm going to do next week to keep myself chipping away at my anxieties. I reckon I'll make some telephone calls to start with; just enquiries and stuff to build my confidence of using the telephone and to try and normalise it. I'm also thinking of going to the library (again!) but this time to study, which will mean spending several hours in there and probably having to share a desk with a complete stranger. Hopefully I'll get rid of this cold too, my throat feels all gunky and gross :o(

Day 34

2005-06-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

I've really excelled today!

Things started out well; I got up at 6am which I've been doing all this week and every other day I've felt quite nervous when I've thought about making my telephone calls, but today I felt quite relaxed and thought that I might actually make the easy call. I say easy because I believed that they'd accepted my repayment offer of £5 as they sent me through a bundle of giro slips but didn't tell me when to pay or how much, so two simple questions.

At 9 o'clock I got the house to myself and decided I was going to go for it. I was really shaking, which seems silly now, but means Seroxat has helped too much, well I'm not sure on that, as I don't think I'd have made the call without having taken it. I did, I called, and it was easy! It took about 5 minutes, but that was because they kept putting me on hold. One problem down, two to go.

I really didn't want to do either of the next calls. One would involve offering them £5 as I'd already sent them my budget and the other involved a company I'd sent my budget to but heard nothing back from, well apart from a letter dated last Friday which said I had 48 hours to call them or they'd pass it on to a local collection agent who would come around my house; obviously something I didn't want to happen.

When I made my list of things I needed to do today I'd ordered it so that the calls got gradually harder, ending with the one threatening to visit me. I'm not sure why but I suddenly decided to do that one first and you know what, it was easy! I spoke to a really nice woman who wasn't particularly helpful, well not in the sense of being able to help me. They want £47 a month, which I can manage at a push, but isn't ideal. Either way, she was nice and not snotty like their letters or past voicemails so I felt full of confidence when I hung up.

Next up was an easier call. I spoke to relatively snotty bloke who said "can't you give us more?" and I, rather than bowing to the pressure, especially since I'd just agreed to pay £47 a month to the other one said "no", which is very unlike me! Anyway we bartered over it for awhile and I agreed to send them £9 today, which again is over what I wanted to pay but manageable.

Mission accomplished :o) On an absolute high I decided to go and take some library books back which isn't a major thing for me now and especially not since my sister works at that particular library! But I did walk down the main streets rather than cutting through the back route which I usually do and I didn't feel all that bothered by all the people about.

When I got home my mum said she was having problems with some company not accepting a returned item and they kept messing her about when she called, so what did I do? I called for her! That's probably the most shocking part of the day, I actually, willingly made a phone call! And following that I walked with her to pick my niece up from nursery school.

This is by far the best day I've had in AGES; is it down to Seroxat? Who knows, but I've never done so much in one day before!

Day 33

2005-06-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today has been mixed with triumphs and disappointments. I'll get the disappointments out of the way first. I never made any telephone calls and I didn't go to college. The reason for not making any telephone calls is that I had my niece around me most of the day and when the opportunity to call in peace was available I bailed. And the reason I didn't go to college was that my friend called me to say she wasn't going. I think I may have gone, even though she wasn't, if I actually found the course interesting, or challenging, or if I wasn't so knackered from chasing my niece around the park all afternoon!

That leads me onto my triumphs of today. The first one was taking my niece to the park. It isn't as big as a triumph as it could have been as my mum decided to tag along, probably worried I'd leave my niece there! I didn't ask her to come though, I was fully prepared to go by myself so it's not a complete failure. I even ran around the park chasing her and her chasing me, even though there was people there.

One thing worried me whilst I was there. There was two children playing on a slide and I could see my niece was desperate to go over and play with them, but she just kept staring and walking around them. So I said for her to go over and she said she couldn't because she's too shy. I managed to get her to go and have a few goes on the slide but she never spoke to them and when we were going she said to me that they were rude because they didn't say "hello" to her. I gave her a little talk about how she should have said "hello" if they didn't and about how it was silly to be shy, I know, I'm a fine one to talk, but she's only 4 and it's the experiences people have at those kind of ages that shape how they become when they are older. I don't want her to end up like me, like some wallflower who wouldn't say "boo" to a goose.

Day 32

2005-06-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

Debt, debt, debt, debt, debt. I've spent today considering phoning up my remaining debt collectors but bottled it everytime I decided to call. I don't know what it is about the phone but it freaks me out... it really freaks me out! Still I've got till the end of the week to do it, so I'm not going to bother too much until the end of the week when I HAVE to call.

Other than that I've spent the day being harassed by my 4 year old niece who conned me into agreeing to take her to the park tomorrow! A test of how I cope in social situations though and I actually don't feel too bothered about going. Now if she'd wanted me to phone someone for her, I reckon it would be a different story completely!

I did end up having to chasing her around in the front garden, which is a first; the front garden with all those people out in the street, walking around and driving past and I didn't even realise what I'd done until later in the day. The horror of a public situation didn't even occur to me!

Day 31

2005-06-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

I didn't realise that yesterday was the half-way point of the trial. I also forgot that I was supposed to go and see the doctor once I was half-way through and so that's what I've been up to today.

Because of the positive results I've had so far, although not perfect, they are encouraging, he's giving me a prescription for another 3 months worth, that will make the total length of my treatment around 5 months, and I'm 1 month in, obviously with the option to continue at the end of 5 months if things are still working out.

I think that I need to really start some kind of non-drug therapy soon too, to compliment Seroxat. I've been researching the different types available and CBT seems to be a good option. I'm going to have a look through the libraries catalogue (gets me out of the house again ;o) to see if they have any books on CBT, so that I can read up on it before I go and see a therapist, just to see really if it will be of any use.

I'm glad that my doctor has decided to keep me on Seroxat for now. Although I do have a few strange days with it, on-the-whole, it has been helpful. Also my doctor was considering a MAOI next because he said that if an SSRI didn't work, there wasn't much point trying another and he said that MAOIs are generally more successful than SSRIs at treating social anxiety. I wasn't much looking forward to the food restrictions!

Other than seeing the doctor, I've mainly lay about reading today and will probably try and do some studying later. I managed to get up at 6 again today, which is good, although I must confess that I did go back to bed at about 7:45 and didn't wake up till 9, by which point I felt dreadful! If you get up, stay up; I'll remember that tomorrow!

Day 30

2005-06-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've had a disappointing day. I started out well, I got up at 6, which has been something I've been meaning to do for ages. I don't really have a routine at the moment, just go to sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I've slept enough; but I want to get a routine so that I can say, get up at 6, do some early morning study till 8, or whatever. So anyway, I started out well, but my energy levels started to decline from 9 and I ended up doing absolutely nothing that I had planned. That's not necessarily true, I did finish all of my studying, but I didn't make any telephone calls and I didn't go out which has left me feeling very disappointed.

I can't put all the blame on not having any energy, I felt very anxious when I woke up and so I guess I was just having one of those days. It's annoying as other days I've felt really ready to go and try out new social situations, but when the day comes along when I've prepared I suddenly lose my nerve.

Enough of the negativity though, I've done loads so far which I wouldn't have normally done. Things like actually opening the letters from the debt collectors, going to the post office to pay bills, visiting shops, going to the library, etc. I guess because I managed those with relatively little anxiety I thought that when I came to my archanxiety, the telephone, things would be easier... not so.

I'm not going to say I'm going to make any calls tomorrow, as I know I probably won't, well not unless I wake up feeling completely different. I will say though that it's my ambition to make the three phone calls I need to make by Friday. That gives me a deadline, but also enough days for my mood to change.

Day 29

2005-06-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

I've had a quiet day working through some chemistry work which has been fairly boring.

I'm all psyched up about tomorrow. I'm going to start the day by telephoning the remaining three creditors to see if I can come to some kind of an arrangement for repayment. This in itself will be a major step forward for me. I'm going to call the one which will be less hassle first so that it gives me the confidence to call the next one which will be more difficult and I've left the most difficult one until last; work my way up to it.

After that I'm going to head into the city and have a look for a few things I need to buy. This too will be a major move for. Just the fact that I'm even considering doing these two things goes to show what kind of an effect Seroxat has had on me. I'm more positive and confident than I have been in a long time.

Day 28

2005-06-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've had an energetic day and did most of what I wanted to. I'm definately feeling the full effects of Seroxat now; it's difficult to explain, but I feel very different about social situations.

Although I didn't call the debt collectors today, I did want to. The main reason I didn't was that I felt I wanted to make the call alone, but my family were mooching around all morning and the company closes at 1 so I didn't feel comfortable enough to do it. I will Monday morning though when I've got the house to myself. I'm actually going to telephone the remaining three of them and try to resolve matters there and then rather than go down my normal phone-phobic route of sending letters that never get answered.

I topped up my phone as I wanted to and headed to the library which all went well. I had to get a book out to read to my little niece so was in the children's section; this was something that actually made me feel uncomfortable about doing, because I thought that the library staff or people in there might think I'm thick or something, I know, but rational thought doesn't come into mental illness! I didn't feel too bad actually doing it though, as usual the thought is worse than the act.

Since I went to the Post Office on Tuesday, I've managed to leave the house everyday, something that is completely out-of-character. I have been known to go months without leaving the house so this is a major improvement, even if some of the trips have just been over the road to get a stamp. I'm hoping to keep this up so that I get into the routine of going out and doing stuff. I've noticed in the past that I manage routine social things very well; things like calling friends, etc. It's the out-of-routine things that usual cause me problems, like going somewhere new, or calling a company. Things are changing now and I'm not making a huge effort, I suddenly have developed the desire to do this things which has got to be down to Seroxat as I've never felt like this before.

Day 27

2005-06-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've slipped today I'm afraid. I didn't go into the city; although this was down to pure laziness rather than anxiety! I did go to the shop to get yet another stamp though and I spoke to the woman in there so I've not had a completely reclusive day.

Tomorrow I'm planning on topping up my mobile, returning a book to the local library and getting some others out and then calling one of the debt collectors I'm dealing with. Yes on the phone! I don't actually feel nervous about doing it, I mean I don't have to, I actually want to :o/ I never thought I'd say that! I'm not sure it will actually happen as the thought of doing it is so extreme to me that I can't imagine myself actually going through with it, but we'll see. If I do call I reckon I'll probably faint from shock that I actually did it. I could probably manage a normal call, but calling a debt collector who's been harassing you with letters and phone calls for close to six months is something else.

So that's the plan for tomorrow; I'm sure I can manage topping up my phone and the library, I'm not so sure about the telephone call though. Using the telephone has always been much worse than going places for me so it will be a major breakthrough if I go through with it.

Day 26

2005-06-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

I stuck to my word and despite the rain I headed into town. The walk there wasn't too bad as I did cheat and call a mate on my mobile, so I was kind of preoccupied with talking to him and not on what was going on around me; but I didn't do this for that reason; it didn't occur to me until afterwards.

So, I went into town, which wasn't too bad. I looked around Waterstone's first which again wasn't too bad and then I went to Ottakar's (if the last couple of days have been about stamps today has been about books!), which was very easy too. I didn't feel self-conscious like I would have in the past and so I didn't feel awkward either; in fact I didn't really feel anything, I just looked at the books I was interested in and left.

After Ottakar's I went into the library and things went slightly downhill. The two shops had been relatively empty but the library was full of chattering people which always makes me feel uncomfortable. I paced around for a bit, looked where I wanted to and left feeling slightly disappointed that I didn't feel like I did in the shops. I then walked home feeling slightly self-conscious but no where near like how I used to be and a lot better than the last time I walked to college; so that is a major improvement.

So what next? I've decided for a trip a bit further afield tomorrow. I'm going to go right into the city and try and find myself a molecular model kit! OK, if you looked solely at my purchases you might get the idea I'm a bit of a nerd! Anyway, that's the plan, I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes.

I forgot! I had another let from one of my creditors today... they too have accepted my repayment offer :o)

Day 25

2005-06-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

OK, what I've done today will probably sound simple to most people, but it's big to me! I've done two things today, one which I might have done pre-Seroxat and one that I definately wouldn't have.

The first was to answer the door for a delivery. I would normally do this if I was home alone and there was no option; but today everybody was home and I just went for it. The second was to go to the shop for a stamp; seem to have a postal thing going on at the moment! Funnily, the shop is just over the road and I've not been in it for probably 5 years, I always ask members of my family to get me stuff when they are going over, normally; not anymore!

I've started feeling fed up and trapped; I'm not sure if that is down to Seroxat, but whatever it is done to it's giving me the motivation and confidence to go and do stuff that I wouldn't have normally done.

Tomorrow (if it stops raining!), I'm going to head into town, which will be a biggie, but you know what, I'm not scared anymore!

Day 24

2005-05-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

Well I did it, and a whole day early!

I decided that there was no reason why I couldn't go to the Post Office today instead of putting it off until tomorrow and so I forced myself to go. I did try to delay going through most of the afternoon, telling myself that I'd be more prepared tomorrow, but I knew from past experience that come tomorrow I'd be putting it off until Thursday and in the end I'd just ask someone else to go for me.

So how did it feel? I don't really have anything to compare it against as I put off everything pre-Seroxat. I've never actually gone and paid a bill since I started suffering from social anxiety. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be; prior to leaving the house was probably the worst bit. I put it off for as long as I could and then finally dragged myself out. At the Post Office there was a huge queue which didn't really bother me all that much but I didn't want too many people behing me; not because I'd feel trapped, but because I didn't want loads of people standing around whilst I had to talk to the woman at the counter.

I was worried because I tend to get spooked by doing things like this and I had quite a few things that I needed to do at there. I had to pay a bill with one of those Transcash slips, pay one with an AllPay card, top-up my mobile and get some stamps. I thought that I'd get confused because of the pressure of the situation and mess everything up but it all went really smoothly :o)

I can say that I wouldn't have done that if it wasn't for Seroxat. I just wouldn't have gone. So it looks like things maybe looking up after all. From now on, these little tasks that I'd usually delegate under the guise of laziness, will be mine to complete; and hopefully now that I've made the first step, I can get on with doing other things I've been putting off.

Day 23

2005-05-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

An uneventful bank holiday; but then again every day is uneventful when you stay inside.

I've been doing some more thinking today, seeing as I have no energy to actually move. I've been trying to work out ways that I can ease myself back to how I used to be. What I decided was that I need to start doing a few things myself, things which may make the anxiety meter spin to 10. The first thing I'm going to do is pay my bills myself. Normally my mum goes to the bank so I just ask her to take my banking for me. I've realised that I usually attribute that to laziness but it's actually avoidance and that's how I've got myself in this situation.

So, on Wednesday I'm going to do my own banking. A small step perhaps, but an important one. It's time I started doing things for myself again.

Day 22

2005-05-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've had a pretty glum day today. My mouth is really sore after the Oraldene incident and has given me a temperature so I've felt miserable all day.

I've not managed to get any work done for a few days now, I've hit a low on the energy front, but these periods seem to be followed by a couple of good days so I'm not too concerned. This is most definately an effect of Seroxat as I was never like this before.

One thing I have managed today is to picture exactly how I want to be and therefore what I want Seroxat and whatever other therapies I undertake to achieve. I don't imagine that I can turn into some ultra-confident kind of person, but I think I can change into somebody who is confident enough to do what they want and not to worry about how they are perceived or judged. I'd like to go back to the days when if I wanted to do something I'd go and do it, instead of how now I think of excuses. For example I used to love going swimming and if I didn't have anybody to go with, I'd go by myself. Now I never go because I've gradually lost touch with the people I used to go swimming with and I can't do anything by myself anymore. That's what I really want to change, I want to be independent again.

Day 21

2005-05-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

What a boring day! I've had another day of zero energy and so have just lay about watching TV and thinking and if you've ever had the unfortunate luck to watch daytime Saturday TV you'll know how bad my day has been.

To make the day just that little bit more worse I decided to use a mouthwash called Oraldene to treat an ulcer. I might as well have rinsed with sulphuric acid; my mouth has certainly felt like I have since! Still the ulcer has gone... along with my sense of taste!

Boring, boring, boring...

Day 20

2005-05-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm 1/3 of the way through the initial trial today. I say initial as if Seroxat works out for me, I'll persumably take it for longer than the planned 60 days.

So what have I noticed so far. Probably the biggest change has been in the fact that I don't tend to put things off as much as I used to. I'm talking about my debts and study rather than social things which are still a problem. I'm very happy with this development as it's taken a lot of the pressure off me and means that I can go to sleep without doing sums in my head about what the hell I'm going to do to get myself out of the hole I've dug.

I've noticed that I don't feel so freaked out prior to having to do something that would have normally freaked me out. For example, I used to be really nervous before leaving for college; now I don't feel too bad. I still feel slightly awkward whilst doing things which make me anxious though.

I'm still very avoidant of social situations. I've put off tests I'd set myself loads of times now, but now that other things are working out, I can concentrate on getting the social situations sorted.

As for the side effects, well they're pretty much gone now. For the first week I felt a little odd and had horrible toothache and chronic yawns with a strange lump in my throat. Now the yawns are much less although if I don't swallow after them I get a strange feeling in my chest and feel lightheaded. I have been having problems with getting to sleep recently, although it has been really hot, especially today, which usually makes things difficult when it comes to sleeping. I am still finding myself staring into space and I do feel quite lethargic at times, but these spells are usually followed by a couple of days of hyperactive energy when I'm able to catch up with everything I didn't manage to do because of the tiredness.

My opinion so far is that it has most definately been worth it. That's mainly because of sorting out my debts, which ok, isn't what I'm taking Seroxat for, but I can't describe how relieved I feel now at having resolved most of them, with the others on the way to being sorted out. If Seroxat doesn't help with my social anxiety, then it will still have been worth it.

Day 19

2005-05-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

The energy drain continues.

I've had a crappy day overall. I ended up not going to college as the friend I usually go with is ill; which disappointed me. Not my friend being ill, but the fact I didn't make myself go. I don't actually need to go because we only sit around working through past papers by ourselves, it's a rather antisocial bunch, surprise, surprise! But it would have been a sign that Seroxat was working. Although as I do keeping trying to tell myself, 4-6 weeks is the key period and I'm approaching 3 now (if my poor maths is correct), so I shouldn't get so negative when I suddenly don't feel like a completely different person. I also have to keep reminding myself that Seroxat is only going to be part of the answer and that I should investigate other forms of help, such as cognitive behavioural therapy. I do need a little more confidence to go through with that though which I was hoping Seroxat would help with. It's ironic that to seek treatment for my problem I actually have to overcome it first; telephone to make an appointment, going to the appointment, etc.

On a more positive note... I heard back from another creditor today who's said that £5 a month is A-OK, so that's one less pressure, although less pressure means I'm more inclined to stagnate.

Day 18

2005-05-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

Has it really been 18 days? Doesn't time fly when you're having fun!

Today has been much the same as yesterday. I started out well and gradually slowed down to a complete halt by lunchtime.

Now I didn't go to the library today, but I do have a good excuse; honest! The council strike was a 48 hour affair, according to my sister, so it was still closed today which means I've had to postpone my trip until Friday. Tomorrow of course is college and I think one trip out into the big wide world a day is more than enough for me at the moment! I am feeling confident about tomorrow, so hopefully the walk to college will be an improvement on last weeks. We also have a different tutor this week as our usual one has gone off on holiday to Greece so that too will put me in a semi-unfamiliar social setting.

I heard back from one of the debt collectors today and they've agreed to let me repay at £5 per week, which is really good :o) Initially when I started out having trouble paying the monthly amount, which was around £65 per month, they passed it on to some debt collectors who, although I told them I was unemployed and had hardly any money, came up with a scheme where I could repay it in 3 monthly installments of £900. They then passed it onto another company who said £50 would be acceptable as an absolute minimum and now they've passed it on to another who's said £5 will be ok 8-) I think they've finally realised that I wasn't going to magic some crisp £50's out of thin air! So that's 2 down, 4 to go :o/

A great thing now is that I don't really worry about opening letters. I'd completely put my head in the sand before and could tell from the return address who they were from so I built up a huge stack of them. Now I just open them, which I can only attribute to Seroxat.

I've noticed now that I'm having a bit of difficulty getting to sleep; I know that's a possible side effect, but I'm not sure if it's just because it's really warm here at the moment. It's not anything major, I just toss and turn for about half an hour before going to sleep. Perhaps I need to actually do something with my days to tire me out!

Day 17

2005-05-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

I started out well today but by around 2pm I'd lost a lot of the enthusiasm and energy I had and I'm feeling like I did last Friday after college - drained.

I'm venturing out tomorrow; the first break in my routine for ages, so it will be interesting to see what level of confidence I get from Seroxat and whether I feel the way I do walking to college. I'm feeling pretty confident about it at the moment, although I'm concerned that with me feeling knackered now I'll try and put it off tomorrow, I am determined though.

Day 16

2005-05-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

Another great day :o)

I can't describe how good Seroxat is making me feel some days! Like today, I've done tonnes of revision and made loads of plans and stuff, all the kinds of things I would have put off before. I never realised before taking it that it was going to have a motivational effect on me, but it has and I like it!

I feel now like I could really do anything I want to, which is an amazing (and unusual for me) feeling. I just really hope this feeling stays this time, although if I have to have a couple of days of nothingness for a couple of days of ultra goodness then I think that's a decent deal.

So far today I've covered a lot of the work I've had planned, I've sent my letters to my creditors, so hopefully I'll have some "nice" replies from them and on top of all that I've been thinking about the future and what I actually want to do with my life which for once doesn't involve staying indoors!

I had planned to go to the library tomorrow as a kind of experiment, albeit a boring one, but apparently the council staff are on strike, so I'm going to do that on Wednesday now; if I'm feeling brave I might even speak to somebody whilst I'm there!!

Day 15

2005-05-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

Today is going much better, thankfully. I'm not sure I like this whole up and down business, but at least I'm up, even if it is only for the day.

I've not managed to get stuck into any revision or college work today, but I am doing something much more important, sorting out my finances. They've become a major problem with not working and I did have a stack of about 100 letters from debt collectors chasing me. I know! I should have opened them and sorted it out AGES ago, like this has been going on for almost a year, but I don't know, I just found it easier not to look, a bit like when you hear a strange sound at night!

So this is a positive of Seroxat (Paxil), it's given me the confidence to actually open the letters. I've opened a few in the past, only the ones that looked deadly serious, i.e. sent in a red envelope! But on those occassions I felt sick and was sweating and going through my usual anxious routine. This time, I was cool, didn't really care, just wanted to get things sorted. Hopefully they'll stop calling me now too! Not that I answer the phone, I already said it's one of my big phobias, but it's annoying when I'm settling down for my Seroxat afternoon nap and the phone rings and I get some snotty voicemail.

I've managed to sort out one of my debts since taking Seroxat. The very nice people have agreed to let me repay it at £5 a month, which I can manage to pay without having a job, but obviously I'm going to have to sort out a job within the next 6 months or so. I do feel much more positive about looking for work, but I actually want to concentrate on my studies, something I never did when I left school, get my A Levels and perhaps look at going to university. Because of that I'm not really looking for work, perhaps in a month or two once I've made a dent in my studies and can risk losing the majority of the time I spend studying. I've read on other sites about how people have been able to get benefits, incapacity I would imagine, because of social phobia or agoraphobia, but I'm not keen on that route, particularly because there'll be pressure then for me to get back to work, at the moment the decision is with me.

On the subject of agoraphobia, that was what made me go to the doctors this time. When it was just a fear of using the telephone it was fine, it was manageable, I could write, I could actually go wherever instead of calling, but since it's progressed to fearing go outside by myself, I've got worried that it will progress further to fearing going outside period and that with the avoidance strategy that I tend to use, I'll end up stuck in doors for the rest of my life, wishing to be able to go out and make something of myself but not being able to. And so I thought it was wise to try and stop the problem before it got to that stage

I'm pretty sure now that it won't progress, for one Seroxat has helped me sort out my financial problems, which indicates to me that it is making me feel more confident and in control; that's the first step. Next, hopefully, it will make me feel more confident and in control when I'm in social settings, unfamiliar social settings to be precise, but it's going to take time, I'm not expecting a quickfix.

Day 14

2005-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today has been much like yesterday. I can't blame this completely on Seroxat (Paxil) as I do tend to have very little motivation ordinarily, it was just that I had those couple of days where I felt on top of the world and got so much done that I kind of got used to it. I can attribute that spell of high energy to Seroxat as that was the only thing that had changed and so was presumably the only thing that could have caused a change.

Typically as the evening has gone on and bedtime has got closer I'm starting to feel like I want to get on and get some work done but I can barely keep my eyes open so will have to hope that the feeling holds till tomorrow. One nice feature of Seroxat is that I'm sleeping really well; it takes me a couple of minutes to go off once I've gone to bed and I don't wake up until the morning which is much nicer than my usual disturbed nights.

Day 13

2005-05-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

I've felt slightly withdrawn today, not sure why, but I've had absolutely no energy or motivation and so have done nothing.

I did try briefly to read but I found my mind going blank and nothing I was reading was sinking in.

Could it be that I wore out the high motivation Seroxat (Paxil) has been giving me at college yesterday or perhaps it's just one of those days.

Day 12

2005-05-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

All the side effects have now gone, or I've just stopped noticing them. Thankfully the toothache has completely gone which was the only one which was really getting on my nerves.

I got to test Seroxat (Paxil) in a social setting today when I went to college. The walk there takes me about half an hour and was the worst part of the evening. I still feel really uncomfortable walking in the streets with everybody around; I keep having to pretend to check my watch or send a text on my phone so I can avoid having to look at people. Unfortunately the Seroxat hasn't made any change in that regard.

However at college I felt fine, I was even more chatty than last week, asked loads of questions, even questioned the way my tutor had marked last week's work. I'm still a bit worried about whether I'm relaxing more at college because I'm just getting used to it rather than because of the effects of the Seroxat and that explanation would explain why I still feel slightly freaked out on the walk to college which is full of different people and different situations each week. But, and as I keep telling myself, Glaxo do say that it can take up to 4 weeks before you notice the complete effects of Seroxat so I have to stop myself making any concrete judgements at this stage.

I am, probably not tomorrow on account of being knackered, but in the next few days, going to go out somewhere just to see how I feel. I'm assuming it will feel like the walk to college, which is how I felt pre-Seroxat when I had to go out anywhere, but I'll give it a go and see if I feel so panicked before and during.

Day 11

2005-05-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

Another good day.

I'm feeling a bit strange today; extremely happy, to the point of being ecstatic at times for no apparent reason which is a bit odd! But it's better than feeling miserable for no reason, so who am I to complain.

I'm getting quite a bit of revision and stuff done; I'm trying to use this hyperactive enthusiasm I have at the moment to make a dent in the backlog I've built up during the past couple of weeks of low energy and zero motivation.

Toothache is very mild today which is a massive improvement and I've not had to have a nap yet today, when normally by this time I'd probably have had to have two 30 minute sleeps, so hopefully I've turned a corner on the excessive tiredness.

I'll get to test its anti-anxiety properties tomorrow which I'm looking forward to; perhaps that's indicative that it does have anti-anxiety properties! I'm thinking of going out and doing something on Friday too, well if this period of high energy remains, as a further test. It could be that I'm feeling more comfortable going to college purely because I'm getting more used to going; it's becoming familiar. Therefore a better test would be to try something unfamiliar.

If this is the full effect of Seroxat (Paxil) then I'd have to give it two thumbs up. I love it!

Day 10

2005-05-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

Finally! I've got some energy :o)

I have been having to have little naps throughout the day, still have been today, but I have also managed to read several pages of my Chemistry textbook and actually absorb what I've been reading; something I've been unable to do since I started taking Seroxat (Paxil).

Toothache is still present, as are wobbly legs and strange yawns, but these are bearable, it was the lack of getting anything done which was really starting to bother me.

On the anxiety front, I've not really had anything to test me yet this week, but I have been having occasional feelings of butterflies in my stomach, so I guess there's been no great improvement on that front yet. I've got college on Thursday and after last weeks rather easygoing characteristics Seroxat gave me, I'm looking forward to seeing how this week goes.

Day 9

2005-05-16T23:29:00.000-07:00

More staring into space... lot's more staring into space!

Again another day of basically nothing. It's not so different to pre-Seroxat (Paxil), as I did very little then, but at least when I had something to do then I could get myself up and do it, now I just find myself sitting very still thinking of absolutely nothing and not being able to summon the energy to move.

Come back chronic yawning, at least I had some energy then!

Day 8

2005-05-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit of a slow day. I've noticed that I have developed the habit of staring into space a lot and not really noticing I'm doing it until something jolts me back to reality. I'm also feeling lethargic or perhaps just lazy and I'm finding it difficult to get motivated.

The toothache is still a pain in the arse! Will have to go to the dentist at this rate, although since it appeared the day after taking Seroxat (Paxil) they must be related. They must! No drills!!!!

Day 7

2005-05-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today has been much better, I've had a lot more energy and have been doing some revision for my exams.

I've still got toothache, shakiness and a strange feeling in my chest when I yawn. Urgh... hope these go soon!

Day 6

2005-05-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've felt slightly withdrawn today. I don't feel depressed how I used to, I just feel nothing and have no energy. I've basically sat around all day doing absolutely nothing.

The toothache is driving me nuts too.

Day 5

2005-05-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

It was the first real test of Seroxat today and it was a success!

I go to college on a Thursday with a friend and am usually extremely nervous before going and very quiet once I'm there. This week I was partially nervous before going and much more talkative once I was there; I even asked questions, a first for me!

I'll be honest though, I still felt a little anxious, but I've only been taking the Seroxat for a few days and they do say it can take 4 weeks before it really kicks in. Judging on today's experiences, I can't wait to see how I feel next week.

Day 4

2005-05-11T13:44:00.001-07:00

Today didn't start out well. Although I felt more energetic than yesterday, I had a strange burning feeling in my abdomen. Within 30 minutes or so it moved from the front, around my side and into the centre of my lower back. Fortunately that's now passed and all that is bothering me now is that gross lump in my throat which has decided to show up all the time rather than just after yawning and my teeth aching.

I've been feeling slightly anxious today too. I started doing my homework for college, leaving it to the last minute as usual, and I got butterflies because it made me remember that I have to go out tomorrow. So it doesn't look like the Seroxat has changed that yet, but like I've said, it takes time and anyway, tomorrow will be the proper indicator of whether it's starting to control my anxiety.

My pupils are looking more normal today, my palms less sweaty and I'm not as wobbly on my legs as I have been. I still feel slightly strange though, can't explain it; it's not bad, everything just seems to happen at a distance.

Day 4

2005-05-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

Day 3

2005-05-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes... I'm surprised I've managed to get myself to sit down and write this as I feel pretty crap.

When I woke up this morning I felt really weird; it took a good half an hour for me to drag myself out of bed. I wanted to get up but for some reason couldn't summon the strength to actually move.

My legs were very wobbly, still are, but to a lesser degree. I feel quite twitchy all over and have a strange feeling of being removed from what I'm doing if that makes any sense, things seem to have slowed down.

As the day has gone on I've gradually started to feel better and a bit more alive and connected. I have developed what I believe is a side effect of the Seroxat, at least I hope it is! Toothache; it started yesterday on one side of my mouth and today has spread to the other side too. It's not too bad, but it hurts to chew.

I've not tested my anxiety today, I've not done anything today on account of feeling so doped. The first test will come on Thursday when I have to go to college. The only reason I can drag myself there at the moment is that I go with a friend but I still have really bad nerves before leaving the house. It will be interesting to see what effect Seroxat has on those nerves, if any. I'm quite aware that it can take upwards of 4 weeks before it starts working; just hopeful I can see some early benefits!

Day 2

2005-05-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

No great changes yet.

I did feel slightly more confident last night and sat down and looked on some job sites; even the prospect of having to go to interviews etc. used to fill me with dread, but last night I felt pretty cool.

I'm having a few side effects, nothing too bad. The first thing I noticed was a lump in my throat but I only felt this after yawning and it goes easily if I swallow. My palms have been slightly sweaty today, my pupils are enlarged, my legs are slightly wobbly and I have occasional bouts of euphoria, but other than that everything's been a-ok.

Day 1

2005-05-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not really sure where to start. I've been suffering from social anxiety for about 5 years now and have tried helping myself with books and even had a referral to a counsellor who I saw for several months; unfortunately none of these has really helped in the long term.

Whilst seeing the counsellor I did improve and even got a job which I kept for over a year until the anxiety came back. Now, I hardly ever leave the house, avoid the telephone like the plague and develop mystery illnesses when I'm invited out anywhere.

I finally, after 2 years of hanging around the house, bucked up the courage to go back to the doctor who has decided that he's going to try me on some medication this time and see how I go. The medication of choice; Seroxat.

I've read a lot of bad press about Seroxat and came across a lot more once he'd prescribed it and I wanted to check out what it was like. I believe that people who have good experiences don't really make the effort to tell other people about it, but those who have bad experiences tell the World and I guess that's why I thought of writing this journal. Obviously I don't know whether it's going to be a good or bad experience, but either way, I hope this will be an unbiased account of Seroxat treatment.

I'm taking 20mg a day and will do for the next 60 days at least. The first pill is at work as I write, although I must say I've not noticed any side effects yet. I took the pill about 5 hours ago and feel no different; a little bit of a sickly feeling in my throat but I'm getting over a cold so I can't say for certain if it's down to the Seroxat.

So far I'm surprised. As I said, I'm not experiencing anything at the moment and I was expecting the absolute worst. Fingers crossed things carry on this way.

Links

2005-05-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

Some links I've found useful;-

Usenet Newsgroups
alt.support.anxiety-panic.moderated
alt.support.depression.medication
alt.support.social-phobia

Websites
GlaxoSmithKline
NetDoctor.co.uk
Paxil.com
PaxilProgress
Seroxat - Heaven Sent or Hell Bent?
Seroxat Patient Information Leaflet [PDF]
Social Anxiety UK

If you've got a site you'd like me to add here, please e-mail me